Here’s something you may not know about me: I was an Apple rebel for a long time, far longer than I’ve owned my second generation iPhone 3G and my shiny new 15″ MacBook Pro with the Snow Leopard operating system.
My rebellion began back in the early 1990s when at the tender age of seven, I could barely contain my contempt for the horrendously awful Macintosh computers in my second grade classroom. They were bulky and sluggish and good for only one thing: playing The Oregon Trail. At the time, my family had a PC at home, and after adjusting for the awesomeness that is The Oregon Trail, the PC still came out ahead.
As the years wore on, my dislike for Apple grew exponentially as I suffered more crappy school computers, the Apple Puck Mouse (voted by CNet UK as one of the worst tech products ever), and the spinning pinwheel of death. Despite Apple’s prevalence in classrooms and libraries, at home I was still safe and warm in my cocoon of PCocity.
Then in 2003 I moved to NYC where I was quickly overwhelmed by an onslaught of candy colored Apple products, from the iPod ads in the subway to trendy coffee shop crowds and the Apple Store behemoth at 59th and 5th. The more computers, phones, and media players Apple invented, the more I was convinced that Steve Jobs was trying to take over the world, one million impressionable youths at a time. (Seriously though, who other than Steve Jobs wears that many black turtle necks? Answer: Emo kids and the Devil).
Apparently I’m not the only one who has connected the rise of Apple to the coming apocalypse. Others have uncovered the Secret (Evil) Diary of Steve Jobs, photoshopped Steve at his wickedest, and foretold of a dystopian future courtesy of the iPad.
In 2006, Apple began its “Get a Mac” (Mac vs. PC) advertising campaign featuring smarmy hipster Justin Long as Mac and portly geek John Hodgman as PC. Each commercial (there have been more than 50) extols the virtues of the Mac over the PC, from taking shots at the much maligned Vista operating system to PC’s penchant for viruses and cryptic error messages.
The “Get a Mac” commercials were meant to appeal to the young ‘n’ hip Mac-loving crowd, but I found myself identifying more with the nerdy but lovable PC. It didn’t hurt that Hodgman is a funny guy, a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and the only “celebrity” I’ve ever shared a subway commute with.
I’m not ashamed to admit that in life, I’m not the laid-back hipster, I’m the guy in the pizza box.
I didn’t own an Apple product until the fall of 2008 when I finally gave in to the hype and bought myself an iPhone 3G. Previously, my only mobile media player had been the iRiver U10. AT&T’s terrible service aside, I really like the iPhone and its apps, and I’ve never regretted buying it.
Despite my darkest fears, the world didn’t end when I succumbed to Apple fever, although it’s debatable whether or not my iPhone purchase directly precipitated the stock market crash of October 2008. I bought the phone on the 30th of September 2008 and the DJIA proceeded to drop 2,400 points in the first ten days of October. I’m just saying.
Buying the MacBook Pro at the end of August 2008 may not have initiated another recession, but as the economy’s still struggling to rebound, it’s hard to say exactly what long-term effects that purchase will have on humanity. If Steve Jobs succeeds in his world domination scheme, I only hope he is a benevolent dictator who brings back The Oregon Trail as a staple of all things Mac.
In conclusion, I own Apple products, but I’m still not a Mac.
Even though I am.
iPad Parodies:
Tags: Apple, Get a Mac Commercials, iPad, iPad Parodies, iPhone 3G, John Hodgman, Mac vs PC, Macintosh Computers, Steve Jobs, The Oregon Trail
